then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Pants are for mortals
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
