By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
