Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
