ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
