ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
