It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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