I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
