He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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