this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
