when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Randomize