I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
