Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
