I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
