i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
