My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
