can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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