I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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