My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I have aggressive nipples.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
