I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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