He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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