That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
