The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
