I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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