It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
