chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
