Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
