i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
