Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
