i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
