If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
