So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
