and you said cock pushups were impossible
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
