finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
