The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The air taste purple.
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