Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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