i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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