I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
