cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
