Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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