Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
