I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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