i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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