The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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