I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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