dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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