someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
