well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
