you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
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