I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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