I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize