my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
