i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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