moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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