if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
