i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
