I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
