We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
